It comes from her
I give because that’s all I know
When it’s forced onto you
When you do good and you are rewarded with affection
How she puts her arm around you and kisses your cheek
Tells you she didn’t expect it
And it still moves you
And you realise how much you needed it
And you don’t see how wrong it is
Until now
Writing this
At this very moment
You see the affection as reward
And you remember
The guilt
For receiving
How every time she does something good for you
She weighs heavy on the effort it took her
So you regret asking
You don’t ask
You regret accepting
When you don’t ask
A gift now is a favour for later
A gift now is at my expense
So I’m repulsed by kindness
I expect your disinterest
It pleases me to help you
You ask about me
I don’t want to tell you
I don’t want to owe you
I don’t want the guilt
Focus on you
Always
I aim to please
Til I break
But keep going
It makes me happy to make you happy
I don’t understand anything else.