I wonder if I really did perceive what was never there. I felt something and so believed that you maybe felt the same.
I mean, I’ve done it before.
There’s something in me that is so full of myself that I can’t really wrap my head around someone not wanting me. So knowing that I felt something, I thought you did too.
That’s not the case though and you would have thought life would’ve taught me that by now.
Rejection after rejection, empty words and lack of actions; you’d think I would know by now that maybe I’m not so easy to want after all.
You’d think I’d have come to terms with it.
Maybe it really was all in my head and I read between lines that never existed, heard you whisper that you like me a little more too in the back of my mind.
But those voices lie and the pages are blank and the reality is me facing myself, uttering words I desperately want to hear through you.
Whatever I thought you felt was nothing but my own pathetic attempt at displacing my love and trying to channel it through you and back to myself.
The reality is me wanting to believe I could be loved without offering myself for a lie.
Without having to love enough for two because no one ever thought to share theirs.
Without begging for it or performing for it, just being loved for who I am.
Sometimes I believe I have come to terms with it and in those moments I truly believe I’m OK but all I’m doing is masking wounds.
Though I am healing and I will get there, today is not that day.