When I say things are better and that we don’t fight so much anymore, what I mean is that I learned how to bite my tongue.
I learned how to take the abuse and walk away, to heal my own wounds, to tip toe around uncomfortable topics knowing that any one word could set her off.
I made myself smaller, quieter, calmer.
I hushed myself when she was out of line
I accepted that this is my place, that I can’t leave and won’t leave for them, even for her
For the one who chastises, insults, demeans, undermines, demonises.
I sacrifice my happiness and freedom for her
Every move I make for myself comes with a fight, accusations of selfishness and forced guilt.
I’m as happy as I can be, as happy as she’ll let me be.
I tell you it’s gotten better
The house is quieter
It doesn’t hurt me so much anymore
The only change is me
Accepting that this is my life
This is my place
This is how it’s gonna be
Taking everything she throws at me and going numb.
It’s not mother
It’s abuse and manipulation
Of which I am victim
But I’m happy
The happiest I’ve ever been
And things are better now.